Jess's Homepage

 

A Short Introduction

 

1st World of Randomness

 

 

This is really funny and apply's to me. Check it out, get a laugh.

Engineering sensibility

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Blog space

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7-13-07

 

The more I find out the less I want to know. I found out today that he cheated on me almost the whole relationship and the number of girls is up to at least 5. All the days I was in class on cloud nine over him was a lie. Every good thing he did for me was a lie. Every time he told me he wanted a family with me and wanted to marry me... it was a lie. I was holding on to the few good memories, the early days when things were good but now I don't have that. All I see is a demon smirking at me where his face should be. I never thought I would be used in that way, I never thought I wouldn't see it. i always thought I was to good, to special for someone to dare do that to me for long. I always thought I could tell. Now... now I know nothing. I'm not sure of anything anymore. My world is fucked and I hate it. I want to stop crying and I want to stop hurting. I want to feel like I belong somewhere, someone wants me. I want to feel something other than a dumb fool, I try so hard but I can't. Nothing is getting better I just feel more and more lost. I thought I hit rock bottom before, but I was wrong, this is worse. I just want to hit bottom so I can start climbing up.

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6-29-07

 

No thing are not getting better. Somedays I don't know how much longer I can do this. The girls he has cheated on me with keep trying to contact me, it is worse than any high school drama you can every imagine. I just want it all to go away so I can get on with my life but I guess they don't want to let it go. They sleep with my boyfriend and now they want to beat me up because when the emailed me to feel less guilty I told them to feel guilty. Sean is being a prick because he is not getting his way. His mom kicked him out because he didn't know how to come home at a decent hour. She isn't paying back all the money he owes me, which if it was anyone else I would think she shouldn't pay a cent. So Sean is trying to take it out on me because in his mind I cause all this (I broke up with when I found out what he was doing, took away my money, made him give up his nice apartment and all the other wonderful things I gave him). I feel sorry for his mom, she just lost her husband and now she has to deal with all of his shit, his daughter's mothers shit, her daughter's shit and some friend of Sean's daughter's mother shit. I feel sorry for Riley too, Sean isn't spending the time with her he should because he can't handle her. I can and so I did most of the work when I lived there but now he has no one to do the hard stuff. Wow, this is getting long and it is just the tip of the ice. I would like to see you too but I wont be on compus for any real reason for a long time. I am not taking an honors class this fall but if you would like to get together over coffee or something I am free Tuesdays and Thursdays in the day and every evening. --Jess

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6-10-07

 

I don't really know much more about why or when or how many even though I kind of do want to know. All I know is a let this girl (who I thought was gay) spend the night one night because she just broke up with her girlfriend. I didn't like her. I couldn't stand her, she was so stuck up and fake but I am a nice person. I had plans with my sister so I went out for a few hours and when I came back they were on their own couch and I didn't think anything of it. Well this girl decides she is going to spend the night at someone else's house (She has a daughter staying in st. pete and we are in tampa... i thought we might be too far away for her). Well she ends up staying at one of my friend's place. (I introduced the to of them) and sometime over the next week she tells my friend that they had a a 'fun' shower together. She also tells my friend that he has cheated on me before. My friend told me what she knew (because she is my friend and cares aout me and couldn't stand the idea of someone doing that to me) at a bar that me and Sean went to a lot. I told the bartender and he said "oh, I know he had some drunk girl all over him the other night adn he came up to me wih her and said 'this isn't my girlfriend I am in deep shit' and ran off making out with her and stuff". That is why I am saying he cheated on me at least three times because I don't really know.

 

I havewn't spoke to him (only text messages) or seen him since I found out Thursday night. Earlier that day he was 'joking' about who would get what if we broke up. Well, now I am going to take everything and he just has to get over it. He doesn't seem to care. He hasn't said he was sorry or that he wants me to forgive him. Not that I would; I will never get back with him. I just want him to care but I don't think he can care right now and that is one of the reasons he did this to me. I want to know if he cheated on me before his dad died. It would be mean the difference in hating him or pitying him. When I asked why he said because we were fighting a lot which makes me think before. He was still telling everyone that I was the girl he wanted to spend the rest of his life with while he was f*cking another C*nt. RAR. I get so mad sometimes. All the times that he lied to me. All the shit he said to me that made me feel bad and it was all lies. He would say I love you and I would say it back and then he would say that at least I really mean it when he couldn't. He wouldn't do that to me if he did.

 

I am mostly upset because I don't want to move home but I can't stay there and I am going to miss my step daughter. I know she will miss me too. He has no idea what he lost but he will figure it out soon and I wont come back. I still love him and I still want to be in love with him but that will fade and I wont come back.

 

 

6-7-07

 

Sean cheated on me, a few times. Its over and i am heart broken. I didn't do anything to deserve this.

 

 

6-3-07

 

Sean and I got a dog the other day from the SPCA. She is awesome, her name is Meme (that is what her previous owners called her). She is a retervier/pit bull mix and the sweetest thing you will ever meet. She is about 5 years old (all of the peper work says different ages anywhere from 4.5 to 8... but she isn't 8). She is house broken, knows out to sit and lay down. She isn't too go at staying, but I think she is still just really excited to have people again. She was at the SPCA for over three months and no one wanted her because they thought she was 6 or 7 and everyone wants a puppy. We thought she was 7 when we went to get her. We wanted an older dog because she was past the house chew on everything in the house stage. Below are some pictures of her that were on the SPCA website, which is where we found her.

 

5-28-07

 

Memorial weekend was great for us, and a little drama-filled. We had Riley for all three days, which was cool. On Saturday I had a school picnic to go to and we took her. She ran around and learned to kick a ball. She doesn’t like standing on one foot for long. She was so cute when she danced to the music that was playing. Everyone thought she was a doll. She fell once and got her first bloody knee. She didn’t even cry over it.

 

We wanted to go out to dinner, it was one week since his dad’s service so we just wanted to have a day to relax. We couldn’t find a sitter so we took her to her mom. She was staying at a friends house and I guess something happened to her baby (he mom hangs out with the WIC bunch, everyone has kids) and we had to come take her baby that second or child services would take her away. She was screaming in Riley’s ear and Riley was crying and looked like she had been for a while. I hated seeing that. We might go for full custody.

 

Sunday we went to the Zoo and she loved all of the animals. I think she liked the small monkey’s the best, that or the prairie dogs. They moved a lot. She got to pet a goat and got really close to a giraffe. She had a lot of fun there too.

 

Sunday night she spent the night with Sean’s mom and Sean’s mom loved it. So all in all it was a pretty good weekend.

 

 

5-26-07

 

Things are getting better, one day at a time. It is still rough but it is getting better. I am now the residence engineer which makes me want to cry (He was an engineer and took care of a lot of stuff for Sean's mom and sister) and now I have to do all the 'smart' stuff that Ron used to do. I don't get tech stuff like he did. I am better than Sean's mom but not nearly as good as Ron was. I guess I just wanted to write and tell everyone not to worry about me too much.

 

5 -23-07

 

The story changed again, it makes it hard to know which way is up, and which way is down.

 

 

5-21-07

 

The servicewas hard...

 

5-18-07 Blog 3

 

I don't want to do this anymore. Not tonight, not right now. I am alone, in the dark, eating chocolate, watching comedy central trying to cheer myself up. It is kind of hard when you are alone in the dark. I don't want to be alone tonight, but I can't say anything. I have Riley and Sean has stuff he has to do with his mom. I just wish I had someone here with me. I don't like crying and it is so much easier to cry when you are alone. The serivce is tomorrow, I don't want to face this. I don't want it to be real, I don't want him to be gone.

 

 

5-18-07 Blog 2

 

Colors are done, and I like this much better, it is a little more spring-ish. Maybe it will help my mood a bit.

 

5-18-07 Blog 1

 

It feels good to be back, I am sure I will beef this up with a lot of stuff from the old wiki as the day goes on. I am doing a 4-hr driving class for Sean, so I will have time. For those not on the old wiki, I will add my most recent page here too. I will change my colors soon.

 

I seem to be a blogging fool today and did a bit of back blogging. I missed blogging more than I thought. I have other blogging spots (lj and myspace) but no one reads them, so I don't write in them much. I know you all will read what I say and I trust your feedback more than the random people I have on the other spots too.

 

The service for Sean's dad is tomorrow and I don't want it to come. I'm sure I will write a long weepy one about it. This sucks so bad. Sean finally broke down last night, he has been trying so hard to be so strong brcause he is a guy and thats what guys do. He wont listen to me when I tell him I can take care of myself and not worry about me, or for him to worry about himself. I need to get a guy to talk to him. His grandpa, the one we went to see, came in last night and I will have him tsalk to Sean. Sean would only cry to him while we were there and has only cried to guys while we are here. This sucks so much, I have to stop thinking about it or I'm gonna start crying again.

 

5-15-07

 

My little Riley is growing up so fast. We got her new shoes a month ago and she already needs new ones. They are not even dirty yet. She went up a whole size. We also got her a new car seat, one that she sits up in and faces forward. She loves it, she just thought it was the coolest thing ever. She was dancing to the radio the whole time.

 

I have one summer class right now (everyone else is talking about classes so I might as well too), it is Spanish 1 in Summer A. It is a lot of work but I am surpised how much I am remembering from High School. I already had my first test. I am have a test every week I think. It was pretty easy.

 

I also enjoyed my grades from last semester, I got a 3.83. It was my highest semester since my first semester in college. I told my mom that she can stop worring about me droping out now, and she said "no, I will still worry". Nothing is ever good enough for her, *sigh*.

 

5-12-07

 

I guess I should tell you that summer vacation wasn't all bad. Yes, it was cut short by the blog below. We found out on the second day we were there but we still managed to laugh a little. Sean, the baby and I went to see Sean's grandparents in Idaho, I'm sure you all heard about it before the end of the semester. It was so pretty up there, I loved it. We had deer walking in the front yard almost every morning. Riley learned the word deer really fast. We drove up a near by mountain that still had snow on it, I have only seen snow once and Riley never. I was going to make him stop and let us play in it but it was all dirty because it was melting. It was 9 miles up the mountain and on the way down we put the car in neutral and coasted down it. We were not sure if we would make it at first but we did, we got up to 55mph before we slowed down. I am sure we could have gone fast but we got scared. I'll put pictures up soon.

 

5-10-07

 

Death in the familyI started this on the other wiki.

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